Greetings blog!

Blog

https://bit.ly/3ttM70U

I just cant seem to get this all together

I love to read. Its a problem. I have banned myself from getting library books because i have absolutely no selfcontrol when it comes to getting anything else done or getting to the end of a story. I used to just check out audiobooks on tape or cd.....then my tape player ate 2 of the library tapes and i was down to cds. It is awkward in a way that u have to be so careful of the content, no unexpected cursing or anything if u have kids around. Sooooo then i got a cd player to carry with me as i worked around the house and did my sewing or driving. That was good tho a lil awkward again at times......then entered the playaway audiobooks. Super duper compact, just like an mp3 player. They use a single AAA battery and it lasts thru several playbacks. If the battery runs out in the middle of the story then when u put the new one in  the story picks right up where u left off! Ok, so now i have easy mobility, great literature, flexibility, and i can still get the things done that i need to get done. YAY!
Its been 7 1/2 yrs since the end of my first marriage. I really thought that some issues i was dealing with in counseling my children would be done with. I find myself back at some of the basics like, do u love me really? did u abandon us? am i good enough to be an acceptable and likable individual just by being myself? Man, its really hard when 85% of the time they are being fed either untrue or distorted images of things and i only have part of that other 15% of the time to counter the negativity. Its really hard. But i pray that i made the right choice and that my children can appreciate the difficulty of the decision at the time and my intentions. They are still children right now and it will be some time before they can fully appreciate an adult's perspective in trying to secure for them a chance at a different future than the one that was being written for them. My friend is a child of divorce and she suggested the book by Judith Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. I wish i had read it before i embarked on this journey and its  a must read for anyone with children who may be in a situation where they may either be thinking about divorce or they are already divorced. Extremely insightful and shows us some of the reasons why Allah dislikes it so much. The affects are tremendous!
I finally broke down and went to the beautician and got my hair 'did'. I have always been proud of the fact that i understood how to take care of my hair and grow and style it myself.....well, it seems that the past two yrs of experimenting had left me at a total loss and looking like an ogre everyday up top. I was so embarrassed to be around my husband, thats bad. He always told me that everyone has good days and bad days and my bad hair days didnt bother him....code for i love u, but i wouldnt mind if u put the scary ogre style away and just went and got ur hair 'did' by either a friend or a professional. He cant seem to stop staring at me and giving me complements on how pretty i look now. He keeps touching my hair....now the price of that beautician was absolutely worth every penny!!!!!

...and u would think i would have caught on a while ago

I have had the rooms set up for the kids, ready for anytime they come to stay with us....its kind of hard sometimes to set up their rooms. There is a sense of vacancy in the rooms which is almost palpable. I keep trying to rearrange the rooms, to decorate just enough for them to still fill it with their personalities. But nothing has seemed to work. I dont spend much times in the rooms because it frustrates me to not be able to fix the odd feeling....the strange smell....the vacancy.
Well, since my daughter has moved in, and everyone is settling into their school routines and are pretty much in their places...summer is over and hopefully the chaos....then the room has changed. I noticed it today as i went in there to put away some laundry...the room held a faint sweet fragrance....it felt warmer than it ever has(not temp warm), and the vacancy was gone...Who knew that all the room needed was a person in it. It feels owned now. All of the same things are in it except the person is in it much more often....I mentioned it to my husband and he said he had been standing in the doorway of the room earlier that day thinking the same thing...the change is real.

Im so Tired

I am very new to all of this online blogging thing. I dont know a thing about html or anything of the sort and i so wanted this to be set up pretty. My brother usually handles all these sort of things for me because hes a web designer. Maybe i can get him to pretty it all up later...
I dont even know where to start, but i guess i am just tired. I am getting used to having my daughter here, my huge highschooler, my huge hijabi highschooler in a school which has never seen a hijab up close and personal. This groundbreaking in a very small town area is a very brave thing of her to do and is the price she was willing to pay to come and live with her mother. She spent the last 7 yrs with her father and Allah blessed her with enough stubbornness, determination, and clearheadedness to demand that she be able to spend some part of her childhood living with her own mother. I love her. She will do big things i think. She gave up Early college and her friends to move out to the country with her mom, stepdad, 4 cats, and a goat....
I am having mixed feelings about the other 2 still living with their father, but Allah cares more for them than i ever could and they will be ok. I dont know if the stress of trying to figure out what to do with their situation is draining me or do i really have something physiological going on.....i promise myself tomorrow to Insh make an appt for a complete physical....cholesterols and all. I have never actually had that done so it should be interesting. I find myself wanting to sleep all the time....i get tired, like really sleepy tired a lot recently and its starting to bother me.
I am taking a semester break from school and i have so many things i want to get done in this time, things i couldnt get done this past yr b/c of school, but now i am too tired to get them done. I wonder if i was tired before but pushed thru it because i HAD to complete the school assignments. Maybe this tiredness is really in my head and is something i just need to push past...maybe its my struggle....Insh i will find out soon.